An open letter

Why? After all this time do I still lay awake a night, and think about you? Majority of people would say I’m still in love with you, or hung up on you, and maybe they’re right to a certain degree. I’m sure someone will screenshot this and show it to you because it’s Facebook, and people like to involve themselves in others lives for their own entertainment and pettiness.

I think about you. A lot actually. Silly, minimal, pointless things, and how that was my favorite part of you and I. Sharing stupid stuff that only you and I would ever understand.

I can’t fault you for leaving. I pushed you away harder than I’ve ever pushed anyone, and eventually you got tired of me pushing. Even when I stopped pushing, and starting pulling you back, you were just too far away. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t fix us. I could only fix myself, and hope you’d notice. Am I fixed? No, but the foundation is strong and every piece comes back together better and stronger than before. Everyone sees it. Everyone but the person I wish would. You’re not here to see, and as much as that hurts, the knowledge that you don’t want to see hurts worse.

I wonder sometimes if things could ever be again. Sadly, I doubt I ever cross your mind. Maybe it’s the masochist in me, but I stuck a Rapunzel Disney pin on my mangy messenger bag before you left. It’s still there. I can’t seem to take it off and let go of it. I bought it for you actually. I just never got around to sending it to you. I was never good at putting things in the mail in a timely manner. Now I have this reminder. This token of you that as much as I know I should rip it off and throw it out…I can’t.

You were my world for so long I don’t remember what my world was without you. Anytime I make progress with my therapist or my doctor, or something great happens at work, the only one I want to tell, is you.

But I can’t. I lost you. I lost everything.

You win.

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As of 10:30am this morning, I’m officially divorced. That is a tough pill to swallow. 
Despite the fact that one year ago I was away from all of my friends and family, and seeing all the great progress and work I’ve put in over the past year, today I feel like a failure. I failed as a partner, a husband, and even a friend. 
When I moved home to Georgia, the plan was that I would work on myself, to figure out why I was so self destructive, and figure out how to be the husband I needed to be. Yes, the #1 priority was that I would do it for myself, and that hasn’t changed, but the secondary focus was to fix my marriage. Months went by of me going to therapy and appointments to take control of my bipolar and learn to not just live with it, but fully live despite it! I’ve always said I never wanted my bipolar to be something that defied me, and it would never be an excuse. However, years of untreated manic behavior led to self-destructive behaviors and delusional thinking. 

Today I sit here as I write, and reflect on the past year. Really, the last 5 months since I returned to Georgia. I am leaps and bounds a better person since I started seeing my therapist, and sticking to a regular medication schedule. Say what you will about pharmaceuticals, but without mine I’d be a mess. The medicine helps a ton, but it’s the therapy that has changed my life! I have everything to thank to Lyndon! He’s the greatest! 

However, it’s also the things on the horizon that is also helping really change me. I haven’t revealed details, but my life is shifting back to Florida for an amazing opportunity that God has provided me, and it’s with one of the best friends I’ll ever have! I can’t wait to do God’s work down there!! I’m “running” in my first Half Marathon in a little over a month! These are two things that a year ago I would have laughed off and never pursued! For once, I feel totally in control of my life. There’s the life behind me now, and the one in front of me. As much as it hurts, the things ahead of me make it worth it to move on with my life. Onward and upward

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Today was a rough day. I got laid off this morning. Mike VI died. I caught a rock and cracked my windshield. And Janet signed our divorce papers which will soon make their way to me. 
It’s days like today that I really struggle to find the positivity. I know it’s there, but I just don’t see it. I can’t find the silver lining in this. First, I hate being alone. Like I absolutely loathe it. Maybe I’m a creature of codependency, but I love having that someone to share in everything. Silly memes you find during the day, or songs that make you think of them (one of my favorite things), and the important things most of all. The problem is right now I can’t be with anyone. If I could I wouldn’t be getting divorced. It’s that simple. I need to be alone and learn to love myself. I’ve never taken the time to do that. To just be alone, and work on myself. Right now, that’s the focus. I’m coming back from a hell of a rough 2015. At least the second half of it. But 2016 is setting up to be a year of great progress, and 2017 will hopefully be a big year for me! 

I’m sure someone will see this and send it to Janet, and that’s ok I guess. I won’t say anything here I wouldn’t say to her, but she wouldn’t like me talking openly about our situation. Truth is, I’m heartbroken. I’m devastated. My marriage is over, and for the first time I can’t fight for it’s success. For the first time, I’m truly powerless in its success or failure. I hate not having that thing to fight for. I didn’t always feel that way. The last few months of therapy and treatment for my bipolar have shown me how important it is to have that. That’s why I was fighting so hard to change and hope it would work out. 

The thing I hate myself the most for is that I said some cruel things I didn’t mean to her when she told me she was filing for divorce. I think I just wanted her to hurt like I am. I think that’s something we all do as humans. We want the ones who hurt us to suffer equally, if not more. That’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m guilty of it. I’ll always love Janet, but right now I’m really hurting, and that part of me just wants to really be a prick right now. Despite my heart knowing it’s the absolute wrong way to be. 

Part of me wants to play Ben Folds Five’s “Song for the Dumped” on repeat while screaming “Give me my money back! Give me my money back, you b****!” because that’s the anger. The sadness wants to put on Pet Sounds or Smile and just lay in bed. Music is the true voice of my soul. I can express my emotions through it, no matter the mood. Music and words like I am now. Journaling would probably be less egotistical, even though posting this for anyone with the link to see is not my ego or craving for attention. It’s just easier than tweeting or blowing up Facebook with vague musings. Here I can just write it out and get what I feel out. 

I’m having a rough time right now. My life is very bipolar right now. Future me is prospering with great things ahead, while  present me is confused and depressed. The voice in my head tells me how much of a screw up I am, and how much happier Janet will be without me. So much so that I believe it. Welcome to the circus that is my mental illness. I’ve always been able to convince myself of things in my head. That things will work out, but most times that the worst is inevitable. I can construct a terrible conclusion, and manufacture it as truth which causes me to nosedive into depression. Things like that people are talking poorly about me, or that I’ve upset people, or that people are judging me, and I don’t feel wanted. This is a constant loop in my head. It never ends. The voice tells me “you’re just letting people down like you always have” and “everyone hates you because you’re a shitty person”. My anxiety makes me feel pressured and that makes me have breakdowns. Then I turn to self medication, most times it’s food and that’s why I’m pushing 300lbs. 

I know what you’re thinking. “Why on earth is he sharing this?” Because it actually helps. Expressing openly makes me feel good. I can’t write songs (seriously I rhyme things like cat and hat. I’m terrible.) so I turn to journaling and blogging. People don’t have to read it. It’s not about that. It’s open expression so that maybe people will understand me. 

I feel I’ve rambled on long enough. Probably shouldn’t write more for now. 

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and the Tony Award goes to…

So most of you know I’m a huge theatre geek. I love watching, performing, reading, learning, and just about anything else you can imagine involved with the theatre. Tonight is the Tony Awards, Broadway’s biggest night!! Of course it’s the year of a little show called “Hamilton”, you may have heard about it. It’s only nominated for a record breaking 16 Tony Awards!! Now, it’s 16 is amazing, but it can h\only hope to tie the record for wins, sharing with the Mel Brook’s musical “The Producers”, at 13 wins a piece. Seriously though, if you haven’t check out “Hamilton” do yourself a favor and check it out! It’s out of the box in that it’s a musical featuring a hip-hop and rap score, and is the story about Alexander Hamilton, our first Secretary of the Treasury , and the man responsible for most of the bank we do today. Anyways, I thought I’d come online today and do a little Tony ballot! Here’s how I see it going down. Winners are in bold

Best Play

Eclipsed

The Father

The Humans

King Charles III

Best Musical

Bright Star

Hamilton

School of Rock—The Musical

Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed

Waitress

Best Revival of a Play

Arthur Miller’s The Crucible

Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge

Blackbird

Long Day’s Journey Into Night

Noises Off

Best Revival of a Musical

The Color Purple

Fiddler on the Roof

She Loves Me

Spring Awakening

Best Book of a Musical

Bright Star

Hamilton

School of Rock—The Musical

Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed

Best Original Score (Music and/or Lyrics) Written for the Theatre

Bright Star

Hamilton

School of Rock—The Musical

Waitress

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Play

Gabriel Byrne, Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Jeff Daniels, Blackbird
Frank Langella, The Father
Tim Pigott-Smith, King Charles III
Mark Strong, Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Play

Jessica Lange, Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Laurie Metcalf, Misery
Lupita Nyong’o, Eclipsed
Sophie Okonedo, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible
Michelle Williams, Blackbird

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical

Alex Brightman, School of Rock—The Musical
Danny Burstein, Fiddler on the Roof
Zachary Levi, She Loves Me
Lin-Manuel Miranda, Hamilton
Leslie Odom, Jr., Hamilton (Break here to fight for his case. Leslie is INCREDIBLE as Aaron Burr, and is deserving of this award. Sadly, it will go to Lin.)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical

Laura Benanti, She Loves Me
Carmen Cusack, Bright Star
Cynthia Erivo, The Color Purple
Jessie Mueller, Waitress (going with the upset here. Heard she’s amazing)
Phillipa Soo, Hamilton

Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Play

Reed Birney, The Humans
Bill Camp, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible
David Furr, Noises Off
Richard Goulding, King Charles III
Michael Shannon, Long Day’s Journey Into Night

Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Play

Pascale Armand, Eclipsed
Megan Hilty, Noises Off
Jayne Houdyshell, The Humans
Andrea Martin, Noises Off
Saycon Sengbloh, Eclipsed

Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Musical

Daveed Diggs, Hamilton
Brandon Victor Dixon, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
Christopher Fitzgerald, Waitress
Jonathan Groff, Hamilton
Christopher Jackson, Hamilton

Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Musical

Danielle Brooks, The Color Purple
Renée Elise Goldsberry, Hamilton
Jane Krakowski, She Loves Me
Jennifer Simard, Disaster!
Adrienne Warren, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed

Best Scenic Design of a Play

Beowulf Boritt, Thérèse Raquin
Christopher Oram, Hughie
Jan Versweyveld, Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge
David Zinn, The Humans

Best Scenic Design of a Musical

Es Devlin & Finn Ross, American Psycho (Set for this was amazing! Hamilton’s set isn’t that inspiring)
David Korins, Hamilton
Santo Loquasto, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
David Rockwell, She Loves Me

Best Costume Design of a Play

Jane Greenwood, Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Michael Krass, Noises Off
Clint Ramos, Eclipsed
Tom Scutt, King Charles III

Best Costume Design of a Musical

Gregg Barnes, Tuck Everlasting
Jeff Mahshie, She Loves Me
Ann Roth, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
Paul Tazewell, Hamilton

Best Lighting Design of a Play

Natasha Katz, Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Justin Townsend, The Humans
Jan Versweyveld, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible
Jan Versweyveld, Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge

Best Lighting Design of a Musical

Howell Binkley, Hamilton
Jules Fisher & Peggy Eisenhauer, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
Ben Stanton, Spring Awakening
Justin Townsend, American Psycho (Again, lighting and set were incredible. The show was too. Gone too soon)

Best Direction of a Play

Rupert Goold, King Charles III
Jonathan Kent, Long Day’s Journey Into Night
Joe Mantello, The Humans
Liesl Tommy, Eclipsed
Ivo Van Hove, Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge

Best Direction of a Musical

Michael Arden, Spring Awakening
John Doyle, The Color Purple
Scott Ellis, She Loves Me
Thomas Kail, Hamilton
George C. Wolfe, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed

Best Choreography

Andy Blankenbuehler, Hamilton
Savion Glover, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
Hofesh Shechter, Fiddler on the Roof
Randy Skinner, Dames at Sea
Sergio Trujillo, On Your Feet! The Story of Emilio and Gloria Estefan

Best Orchestrations

August Eriksmoen, Bright Star
Larry Hochman, She Loves Me
Alex Lacamoire, Hamilton
Daryl Waters, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed

* * *

Recipients of Awards and Honors in Non-competitive Categories

Special Tony Award for Lifetime Achievement in the Theatre

Sheldon Harnick

Marshall W. Mason

Special Tony Award

National Endowment for the Arts

Miles Wilkin

Regional Theatre Tony Award

Paper Mill Playhouse

Millburn, NJ

Isabelle Stevenson Tony Award

Brian Stokes Mitchell

Tony Honors for Excellence in the Theatre

Seth Gelblum

Joan Lader

Sally Ann Parsons
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